Belooga Joe: May 2009

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Communiqué Express/ My Belooga Joe went to hell and all I got was some lousy t-shirts

Communiqué Express

Attention! Attention! Les t-shirts Belooga Joe sont maintenant offerts au grand public. Voilà enfin ton laisser-passez pour l’univers de la mode la plus branchée en ville. Les t-shirts les plus cool et confortables de ta génération sont disponibles en deux modèles: ‘Sac à douche’ et ‘Baby I’m Bored’. Fais donc preuve de désinvolture et d’intempestivité en t’en procurant un ou même plusieurs dès maintenant. Prix suggéré et exigé: 25$ (incluant frais de transport et manipulation). 100% cotton, de marque Gildan, S-M-L. Bonne chance.

My Belooga Joe went to hell and all I got was some lousy t-shirts

There you are. I knew we’d cross paths again some day. You’re just like me: young, beautiful and hip. No, I’m not like that. Me, I’m old, dangerously handsome and extremely uncool. But you, you’d like to stay young, beautiful and hip. Not just for the next few years of your life but for …let’s just say…longer than that.

You want people to look at you and think: ’yes, it’s true that the truth is believable’ and that you actually might the עלמה or the آنسة who believes in that ancient concept. Look no further (but please keep reading) ‘cause your passport to eternity that has the multiple re-entries visa to FuckYeah! Land is being offered to you in the form of a Belooga Joe t-shirt.

Allow me to illustrate this with some simple examples that even you’ll understand, idiot. Say you’re a guy wearing a Belooga Joe t-shirt at a party where everyone is wearing tight pants (including you)… well, chances are, the most beautiful girl you’ll ever meet in your life (or at least that night) will reward that vigorous display of awesomeness by inquiring about both your hobbies and your feelings. (You like to paint when you’re sad, don’t you?). She’ll thank God he doesn’t exist and say no when you offer her one of your beers: she doesn’t drink. Why you ask? She says she doesn’t need it. It’s too bad dude, I feel your pain. I feel the pain of everyone. Don’t worry about it, you’ll meet other girls…pfff…yeah right…sure I will…FuckYeah! Land, my ass.

But what if you’re a girl sporting such a timeless garment at a different party where everyone is also wearing tight pants (not you though, ‘cause you decided to go with a miniskirt that evening which is, in my opinion, always the safest choice)...well…ummm….yeah…just…just…just don’t be shy, leave him another voicemail, you won’t just be another experiment of his I swear. I have statistics that prove this. And we all know statistics are seldom wrong, they are usually just compiled by people who feel wrong 63% of the time ….pfff…yeah right…FuckYeah! Land, my ass.

So there you have it. Go ahead and try on these shirts for size (small, medium or large). There are two designs you can wisely choose from: ‘Sac à douche’ or ‘Baby I’m Bored’, but I would recommend the wisest choice of all which would be purchasing both of them since I bet you’re like me (old, dangerously handsome, extremely uncool) and would like to avoid having to make another decision in your ever so complex life. But whatever, it’s your choice if you don’t want to have to make another decision. The moment is now. It had to happen. DON’T BE JUST ANOTHER VICTIM OF FASHION …but rather take control of the situation and make FASHION your little bitch who’ll get up from the couch and fix you Mr. Noodles so you can keep watching the extras from the DVD she just bought you without interruption. It’s okay right, ‘cause everyday you meet FASHION at the subway station so you can walk home together hand in hand and you never forget to bring her pack of cigarettes. She goes to work, she doesn’t smoke at work. Tell her I called, that we can kiss with tongues, that I don’t own a couch, that I have no place to go. 100% cotton, Gildan brand. 25 bucks includes S&H. ‘Cause deep down inside, you know you’re not a douche bag, you’re just bored, but you can’t accept this as a fact. You’ll just have to stop failing in love with her. Moi, je t’aime et c’est moi qui compte. Oui, j’pense que oui. Good luck with that… …pfff…yeah right….Welcome to FuckMe Land, population: me…and the rest.